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Humour, Life

8 things people never tell you about being a pet owner

June 5, 2015

8 things people never tell you about being a pet owner

Puppies and kittens are adorable aren’t they? It’s not all fluff and cuddles though, there are some things that people never tell you about being a pet owner. 

You will step in poop, at least once

I’m convinced that every pet owner has stepped in poop once. Don’t be embarrassed, it happens. Your pet eats something they shouldn’t, leaves deposits around the living room and you step in it all bleary eyed about 5 minutes before you’re supposed to leave the house.

Five seconds later you realise it’s not chocolate mousse and now you have poop on your tights and no other clean tights. You scrub your foot, briefly consider bleaching it, and have to change your outfit. It happens.

You’ll get woken up at 2am 

This is more of a cat owner problem than a dog owner problem – unless like us you live on a main road and your dog barks at people walking back from the pub.

Be prepared to wake up terrified that there’s an earthquake only to realise seconds later it’s your cat charging around the house for no reason. (By the way, I’m calling those moments ‘furries’ instead of zoomies. So dogs have zoomies and cats have furries.)

Alternatively, you might be woken up by your cat miaowing in your face. Know this: cats don’t miaow at other cats, so your furball was trying to wake you up on purpose.

I was recently woken up by my cat trying to sleep on my head. 

They can be jerks

Refer to my point above. 

Like people, somedays your pets get one on them and they act like jerks, they chew stuff for no reason, they throw your stuff on the floor, muddy the carpet before you’re about to go out. Pets being jerks is a real thing, and if you don’t believe me, watch this compilation of cats being jerks

Presents – dead or alive

Cats love bringing their owners presents – dead or alive they don’t mind. Many a time I’ve been woken up by my cat chasing a mouse around the bedroom.

The next morning I play a game called mouse roulette, where I look around the room in search of mice before getting out of bed. Much like someone who lives in Australia, I check my shoes before putting them on. Not for killers spiders, but for mice. (Australian readers; do you guys actually check your shoes? Or is it one of those things you tell us to scare us off and stop us coming to visit?) 

Your laptop fan will get clogged up

Cats love warmth and they love being involved in what you’re doing. One day my laptop fan stopped working so I took it to PC World and they used a blower on the fan and out came about a tonne (only a slight exaggeration) of cat fur.

You won’t call them by their name

You can spend hours deciding what to call your new pet but you won’t call it that for long because you’ll end up giving them a number of ridiculous nicknames.

When I was growing up we had a beautiful German Shepherd called Roxy. She made funny snorting and snaffling sounds so she got called Pig, which led to her being called Piglet and Pigwidgeon.

My cat is called Crunchie but more often than not he gets called Killer, Sergeant Fluffyboots and Captain.

Our dog Bert is the most laid back dog on the planet, so it makes sense that most of the time we call him The Ferocious One or Savage Beast.

Our crazy border collie Dylan is called Dobby because his ears sometimes look like Dobby’s from Harry Potter or Weasel because he can get absolutely anywhere despite being a pretty big dog. We also call him Kreacher, because he’d be a bad house elf and he hates that name. You can call him anything else, but call him Kreacher and he starts barking. 

They’re thieves

My cat used to steal small rawhide dog bones from the dog who lived over the road from us and bring them home for our dog.

Dylan quite often steals dog toys that have been left on the field when he goes for a walk.

You can leave events you don’t like early

Just like parents get to use their children as an excuse to leave a boring event early, you can say “Oh, I’ve got to get back to loose the dogs out.”

Sure some people might think you’re crazy but they’ll think it’s cute that you treat your dogs like children. There are definitely some similarities; both can be mischievous and shut off their ears whenever the fancy it. 

Bonus: They love you unconditionally 

I’m not counting this one because everybody already knows it. Yes, occasionally your pets might seem like fur balls from hell but they will love you unconditionally and will cosy up to you when you’re happy, ill, bored or sad. They will always come to you for love and fuss, you can tell them your secrets and they won’t blab, you can have conversations with them regardless of whether they answer or not, and they’ll become part of your family. 

 

I’m sure I’ve missed some things out, so share other things people never tell you about being a pet owner. 

Humour, Lifestyle

Miranda Hart Live

October 27, 2014


I realise that my blog was very book-heavy last week (I read a lot, I’m sorry!) so I’m going to start this week with something different. 

On the 17th October my Mum, Tom and I took my Nan to see Miranda Hart for her birthday. If you don’t know who Miranda is, she’s a comedienne who talks about awkward things she does and it’s a bit middle class Britain.

My Nan loves her and we tried to get tickets to Miranda’s tour earlier this year but the only seats were right at the back. When this tour was announced with a date two days after my Nan’s birthday, I was on it and those tickets were book two minutes after release. 

I’m not going to lie, it was hard to keep quiet about this for six month. There were so many times when I accidentally ruined the surprise. 

Finally it was time to see her and she did not disappoint. It was the first comedy show all of us had been to and it was so much better than I imagined it would be. It was as Miranda’s TV show Mum would say “such fun!”

Miranda did audience participation where we had to pretend we were at a posh party, she got people saying lines, hooked two people up on a date and threw bags of crisps about. 

We all had a great evening, my Nan especially who thought it was a brilliant birthday present. The only problem is, we now have to try and top that for next year.

To my dismay, I saw on Miranda’s Twitter page that she thought this would be the last stand up tour should would do. If that’s true it will be a real shame because she was fantastic but if so I’m glad that I’ve had chance to see her live. 

I’m now on the hunt for more comedians to see. I’m a little disappointed to discover I’ve just missed out on John Richardson’s tour. 

Have you ever been to a comedy show?
Fitness, Humour

It takes HOW long to burn 200 calories?!

September 25, 2014



Yesterday I went to the gym to continue following my Couch 2 5k app and do you know how long it took to burn 224 calories? HALF AN HOUR! 

I wasn’t running for half an hour straight but I felt shattered afterwards, so I was expecting a bit more than that. Why does it take so long to burn calories? 

I’m not in the business of counting calories, but I am partial to the odd biscuit, or ten. 

My favourite’s are malted milks (or cow biscuits as they’re called in my house) and I can quite easily eat half a packet without realising I’ve done it. 

Out of curiosity I looked at the packet and each biscuit contains 43 calories, which means when I go to the gym I would need to burn off about 430 calories. So my measly 224 calories in no way burns off that half a packet I inhaled. 

What I have burned off though is 5.3 biscuits. FIVE POINT TWO?! I sweated for half an hour, felt like my heart was going to explode, battled a major stitch and spent time in a place with other people’s sweat for half an hour for FIVE POINT TWO BISCUITS?! No, that’s not cricket.  

I go to the gym so I can be naughty and eat the odd half a packet of biscuits and still fit in my clothes.  

We all know that we have a recommended daily allowance of calories for me at least, it doesn’t mean much until you realise how much effort it takes to remove any extra calories. 

400 calories doesn’t sound as bad as an hours running does it? That sounds long and torturous. 

I think that if food companies printed on food packets (especially unhealthy foods) how long you would need to walk / run / cycle that off people would think twice about making unhealthy decisions. 

Unhealthy eating is a habit and like any habit it’s hard to break. If I read on the packet of a chocolate bar that I would need to run for an hour to burn it off, I would decide I didn’t want the chocolate bar anymore. 

Source

It looks like I’m going to actually have to go to the gym three times a week now instead of saying I go to the gym, or thinking about going to the gym. 

What food is your weakness? 


Food, Germany, Humour, Italy, Travel

Pizza wars: Italy vs Germany

September 17, 2014
Pizza Wars: Germany Vs Italy


It’s fair to say I’m a bit of a pizza fanatic. Some of my friends wonder if I even eat anything else (I do.)

For years I have longed to go to Italy and eat their pizza. With the taste of that glorious pizza I had in Germany (this must be the 6000th time I’ve mentioned it now) fresh in my memory, I wanted to find out if Italy could beat it. 

With my constant waffling about the German pizza, I think we’re all aware of how high the standards are. I was confident that Italy, the birthplace of pizza, would have no problem kicking German pizza’s butt. 

I was wrong. 

During my trip to Italy I ate four pizzas at different ‘restaurants’ (that’s a term I use loosely and you’ll see why soon.) I wasn’t overly-impressed with any of them. 

First the was a pizza from a restaurant in Lake Como which was pretty bland and forgettable (Yes, I describe some pizzas as forgettable like a song.)

Secondly there was the pizza in my hotel. Now you might be saying ‘well what did you expect?’ What I expected was a delicious pizza. I’ve stayed in a few IBIS hotels this year and the one in Spain and Germany made very nice pizza. This one did not. 

In fact, it was microwave pizza. Can you believe that’s even legal in Italy? 

My IBIS pizza was an insult to Italy and pizza. The base was soggy, the tomato sauce was bitter and there was not enough cheese. It sucked. It also cost me €8.50! €8.50 for a crap pizza. The glorious German pizza only cost €7! Why not just slap me in the face?

The third was from McDonald’s. It wasn’t really a pizza, it was more like a calzonne. I think it was called a pizzarotto. It was alright but didn’t taste of much. 

The fourth was actually the best pizza I had all week, though it wasn’t great. It was a slice of pizza that had probably been sat out for hours from LIDL.

My Italian pizza experience was disappointing and Germany is the clear winner here. If you’re planning to go to Italy for pizza, don’t. Go to Im Alten Zollhaus in Aachen, Germany – it’s not that far, it’ll take you about eight hours by car. 

What’s the best pizza you’ve ever had? 




Humour, Life

Times you felt grown up and were proven wrong.

August 28, 2014
One time I did not feel grown up – my sister and me with Mickey Mouse. I totally don’t still wear those ears when I want to feel special…


I heard an interesting programme on Radio Four (aren’t I sophisticated / old?) a few weeks ago where the host was asking the audience when they first felt grown up. 

There have been a few times in my life where I’ve felt grown-up only to be proven wrong shortly after. I’m not sure I will ever feel ‘grown-up’, responsible perhaps but probably not grown-up. 

When I wore my Nans shoes
When I was about three or four I decided to wear some of my Nan’s shoes that I thought were amazing. They had a small heel on them and I decided to try them out.

I felt all grown up and in my infinite wisdom I decided to go downstairs to show my Mum and my Nan and fell down the last few stairs. 

Multi-coloured pens
This was actually mentioned in the programme and I agree with it. When I was about seven I had one of those pens with different colours in and you click down the colour you want. That made me feel grown-up. 

I also felt grown up when I was first allowed to write with a pen instead of a pencil. I did not feel grown up when my pen leaked all over my hand and books because I’d been chewing it. 

When I drank Bailey’s at a pool bar
This is my favourite example. When I was 15 we went on holiday to Lanzarote and they had a pool bar. 

They didn’t give a rats ass about whether you were 18 or not and would serve you alcohol as long as you looked older than about 10. I decided to be classy and asked for Bailey’s with squirty cream on top. 

Minutes later someone swam past me and a wave knocked me off the stool in the pool and I fell backwards throwing my drink in the swimming pool. There were some very angry looking German’s who were not amused about swimming in squirty cream. 

A car
When I first got a car (what I mean by that is my parents bought it only to rarely drive it themselves) I felt free and grown-up. Then I realised I had to put petrol in and was horrified. 

I then started moaning about petrol and felt pretty grown-up again. 

When I had to feed myself
A few years ago my parents and my sister went to Turkey and I stayed at home (can’t be doing with all that warm) and they left me money to feed myself. Truth be told I fully intended on spending most of it on a video game. 

So I went to Tesco and felt pretty grown up going round the supermarket (lets ignore the fact my trolley was full of pizza) but then I got to the checkout. “WHAT? You mean this stuff costs money?! I just thought the cupboards magically refilled themselves.” 

Now I wasn’t dumb enough to think it was actually free but I’d never had to budget before and y’know video games were important to me back then. More so than food apparently. 

Please share some times when you felt like you were an adult only to be proven wrong. The more embarrassing / funny, the better.

 

Humour

15 stages of applying makeup when you own a cat

August 27, 2014
Of course the furry beast wouldn’t stay still long enough for me to take a photo of him interrupting my makeup putting-on.


My cat is a loveable creature but he doesn’t half make getting ready in the morning a challenge. 

Sometimes it feels a little bit like trying to apply makeup while on Takeshi’s Castle. 

  1. Put moisturiser on – no cat around. 
  2. Open eye shadow palette and begin swirling brush – cat appears from no where. 
  3. Begin applying eyeshadow – cat starts head butting your arm and you try to keep your cool. 
  4. Decide liquid eye-liner is out of the question as your fur baby is still head butting you in the arm relentlessly. 
  5. Get mascara out – cat begins walking backwards and forwards in front of you. 
  6. Start applying mascara – have to move cats tail out of your face repeatedly so you can see and stop it getting on your mascara wand. 
  7. Begin applying foundation – cat begins head butting again and you accidentally poke yourself in the eye with your brush.
  8. Decide to try and ignore kitty and stand your ground while applying foundation – cat tries to bite you. 
  9. Shout at cat and it runs off in a sulk. 
  10. Breathe a sigh of relief because you can finish your makeup in peace. So you think. 
  11. Cat reappears with a vengeance and sits down in an awkward place so you have to reach around the cat to get bronzer and blusher out. 
  12. Begin applying bronzer and cat starts sniffing and trying to lick your hand – no chance you’re letting it lick you, who knows which animal it ate last. 
  13. Start applying blusher and cat sits right in front of you so you can’t see the mirror. 
  14. Finish your makeup and cat decides to go outside. 
  15. Swear under your breath. 
Does any other cat owners go through a similar thing when getting ready?
Fitness, Humour, Life

Why does no one tell you how painful spinning bike seats are?

August 5, 2014


Over the past year or so I’ve heard so many people rave about spin classes. ‘It’s a really good workout’ they say or ‘it was hard work and my legs were on fire’ but never, NEVER, do they say ‘your bum will feel like a truck drove into it.’. 

I tried a spin class at the start of the year at my old gym and since I joined a new one I thought I’d give it a go again. 

My goodness am I suffering today. My legs burned but the battering my bum took was more painful. 

I totally get the ‘no pain, no gain’ mantra but I don’t think you should be considering taking your Nan’s cocodamol to get through a workout. 

Apparently you get used to it but I don’t know if that’s the kind of pain I can put myself through repeatedly until I get some kinda weird calloused butt like your fingers do when you play guitar. I don’t want that! I don’t want to have to use hard skin removal products on my bum! 

What I need is Pilko’s Pump Pants. For those of you who don’t watch Karl Pilkington’s An Idiot Abroad, Pilko’s Pump Pants are a genius invention Karl came up with while up Mount Fuji. 


Source
You take one of those airplane neck cushions and attach it to your trousers so no matter where you are, you can sit down comfortably. THAT is what I need. Or maybe, just maybe, spin bike seats could not be made from what feels like concrete! 

If you’re thinking of doing a spin class I encourage you, it is fun but be prepared to sit down carefully for the next seven days. 

Have you tried spin classes? 

Books, Comedy, Humour

Bossypants – Tina Fey | book review

June 12, 2014


Description from Goodreads: ‘Before Liz Lemon, before “Weekend Update”, before “Sarah Palin”, Tine Fey was just a young girl with a dream: a recurring stress dream that she was being chased through a local airport by her middle-school gym teacher. She also had a dream that one day she would become a comedian on TV.

She has seen both these dreams come true. 

At last, Tina Fey’s story can be told. From her youthful days as a vicious nerd to her tour of duty on Saturday Night Light; from her passionately halfhearted pursuit of physical beauty to her life as a mother eating things off the floor; from her one-sided college romance to her nearly fatal honeymoon – from the beginning of this paragraph to this final sentence. 

Tina Fey reveals all, and proves what we’ve all suspected: you’re no one until someone calls you bossy.


I’ve never intentionally watched anything with Tina Fey in, I’ve seen her in re-runs of what I think may have been SNL and adverts for 30 Rock, that’s it. 

My point is, I didn’t really know who she was heading into this. I picked it up after reading positive reviews of Bossypants from people like myself who didn’t weren’t already big fans. 

Bossypants is a mixture of autobiography and her feelings about things like sexism and photoshop and it works well. 

We start off in her childhood, follow her through her first job and taking up improv to her time at Saturday Night Live. I don’t want to spoil any of it for you but there are some great lists in here also. In short it’s laugh-snort kinda funny.

Fey does not beat around the bush. If you’re offended by words like ‘cavernous vagina’ then this might not be for you. (Yeah she really got that into the book.) 

Not only did I learn about her but some of the things she says she learned about improv can be applied to everyday life for us normal folk. 

Bossypants is one of the best autobiographies I’ve ever read, I finished it in two sittings. It didn’t try hard, it felt like I was having a conversation (a rather one-sided converation albeit) with Fey and that’s what made it so enjoyable and likeable for me. 


When I read Ron Burgandy’s ‘autobiography’ I complained that the humour didn’t come across well but it came across perfectly in Bossypants. 

I came out of Bossypants feeling like a fan, of her as a person rather than her acting, as I still haven’t seen much of that. 

In short: A funny insight into the life of Tina Fey that’s enjoyable even if you have no idea who she is. 

Price: £5.99 on Kindle / £8.36 paperback – price correct on 05/06/2014.

Would I recommend it: Absolutely! 

4 out of 5 

If you’ve got any recommendations for autobiographies, let me know in the comments!